Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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