I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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