Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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