I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
ugly people sure do ruin things
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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