Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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