Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have already put on my inside pants.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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