I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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