Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
