Moan for me like Helen Keller
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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