my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
