I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
