Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
