I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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