i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
