did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
