I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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