Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
