So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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