A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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