she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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