also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
