I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
