my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
