Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
