My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
