and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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