New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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