I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
