Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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