so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
