I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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