The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
