youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
