Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
