Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
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