I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
