I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's always time for handjobs
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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