Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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