Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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