Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
