Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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