If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
