woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
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Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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