Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
