I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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