That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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