How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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