Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
