I wish I could teleport
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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