He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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