fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Found the puke drawer
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
