she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
