Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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