Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
