In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
