turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
