Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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