I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
