3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
love makes seman taste better
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you had me at cake vodka
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
