he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
