Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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