Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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